Real Programmers Don't Write Specs
Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves
lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.
Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right
down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't
do systems programming.
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know
how to SPELL quiche. They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food.
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you
throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a
few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
freaks and crystallography weenies.
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around
at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in
BASIC, after the age of 12.
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't
decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you
to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear
their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up
in the middle of the machine room.
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't
read the listings or the object deck.
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those
pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak
Real Programmers only write specs for languages that might run on future
hardware. Noboby trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
Real Programmers spend 70\% of their work day fiddling around and then
get more done in the other 30\% than a user could get done in a week.
Real Programmers are surprised when the odometers in their cars don't
turn from 99999 to 9999A.
Real Programmers are concerned with the aesthetics of their craft; they
will writhe in pain at shabby workmanship in a piece of code.
Real Programmers will defend to the death the virtues of a certain piece
of peripheral equipment, especially their lifeline, the terminal.
Real Programmers never use hard copy terminals, they never use terminals
that run at less than 9600 baud, they never use a terminal at less than
its maximum practical speed.
Real Programmers think they know the answers to your problems, and will
happily tell them to you rather than answer your questions.
Real Programmers never program in COBOL, money is no object.
Real Programmers never right justify text that will be read on a
Real Programmers wear hiking boots only when it's much too cold to wear
sandals. When it's only too cold, they wear socks with their sandals.
Real Programmers don't think that they should get paid at all for their
work, but they know that they're worth every penny that they do make.
Real Programmers log in first thing in the morning, last thing before
they go to sleep, and stay logged in for lots of time in between.
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are after all, the
illerate's form of documentation.
Real Programmers don't use Macs. Computers which draw cute little
pictures are for wimps.
Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the
hallmark of a novice and a coward.
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for gum chewing twits
who maintain ancient payroll programs.
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy engineers
who wear white socks. The get excited over finite state analysis and
nuclear reactor simulations.
Real Programmers don't write in Modula-2. Modula-2 is for insecure
analretentives who can't choose between Pascal and COBOL.
Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
written on one line.
Real Programmers don't write in Lisp. Only effeminate programmers use
more parentheses than actual code.
Real Programmers distain structured programming. Structured programming
is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained. They
wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear
Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to think big.
Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all
in every Real Program. Some candyass architectures won't allow EXECUTE
instructions to address another EXECUTE instruction as the target
instruction. Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.
Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of
course, they are the Chief Programmer.
Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are sometimes a
necessary evil. Managers are good for dealing with personnel bozos, bean
counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.
Real programmers ignore schedules.
Real Programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending
machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it,
they don't eat it.
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
Real Programmers use C since it's the easiest language to spell.
Real Programmers don't use symbolic debuggers, who needs symbols.
Real Programmers only curse at inanimate objects.